Sunday, May 6, 2007

Bad Idea

There is a fine line between being informed and overwhelmed with information. For me, the overwhelming part does not come as a result of the medical jargon but in the stories and struggles of those that have gone before Kate. Today I found myself on a resource website for families of a child with cancer. On this site there were hundreds of links to childrens' cancer pages which contained their stories from diagnosis to present day. Reading those stories proved to be more than I could take. Here I am sitting with puffy eyes as I write this, feeling the weight of her diagnosis. Perhaps until today I haven't let myself consider the complications that arise from this illness because this is the first time since her initial diagnosis that I feel so sad.
The stories in those cancer pages were all about children who had standard risk pre B ALL - just like Kate. Interestingly I wasn't lifted up by the stories of those who had great outcomes but crushed by the bad outcomes of some of the children. Until today I haven't even let myself consider any other possibility than Kate getting better and growing up to be a healthy, beautiful girl. While reading the histories of those children it hit me like a ton of bricks that she could have some unexpected complication or relapse like they did. This was not helpful!!! Kate may sail through the treatments without a hitch or she may have complications and need hospitalizations. That is rational and logical thinking but in order to maintain my sanity I must believe that she will do well and that 27 months from now we will have made it through. Hopefully our family will be a little more loving, a little more kind and a little more grateful for the gift that we are in each others lives.

10 comments:

emily said...

Carolyn,

I have 2 girlfriends...both in their late 20's now who fully recovered from childhood leukemia with no relapses. I don't know what specific type they had, but they are both healthy and living very full lives. xoxo

emily

Anonymous said...

Cute picture of Kate & Jason at the "picnic!"
Stay strong, Carolyn!

Love you,
Anne

BIGSKYBLAST said...

KILL the "Mom Anderson" person who put Carolyn on to that website. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Sorry, Carrie....

Love, Mama

kylejennyabby said...

hang in there car', kate & all. we love you.

X-Kiwis said...

Always remember that we love you all very very much, but not as much as our Heavenly Father loves you. You have great devotion to family, courage, strength, belief,and love for our little Kate. What great gifts to share with others. Thanks for your heartfelt words. Again, we love you, and there's definitely nothing you can do about that!

Anonymous said...

Carolyn, Jason and Kate,
Thanks for keeping us updated with Kate's progress. We will continue to keep all of you in our prayers.

We send lots of love, hugs and kises to little Kate.
Love,
Great Uncle Dave and Aunt Linda :)

Andrea said...

Just want to let you guys know that we love you and we pray for you! Elizabeth and Rachel especially say the nicest prayers for Kate.

Love,
Andrea

Allison said...

We're praying for our Hansens every step of the way! We love you!
Nate, Alli & Owen

wsp said...

Big Hug Carolyn. it was inevitable that you would have a day like this at some point. hopefully tomorrow will be better.
call me if you need a jogging partner at the gym.
weatherly

Anonymous said...

Hello Kate, Just wanteed you to know that I'm thinking of you and your family. I pray that each day will be a better one for you and your family. When you feel stronger and ready to come back to the gym, you have a place on my team. We all have good thoughts for you and your family.

Miss you Coach J and the Tucker staff.