There is a fine line between being informed and overwhelmed with information. For me, the overwhelming part does not come as a result of the medical jargon but in the stories and struggles of those that have gone before Kate. Today I found myself on a resource website for families of a child with cancer. On this site there were hundreds of links to childrens' cancer pages which contained their stories from diagnosis to present day. Reading those stories proved to be more than I could take. Here I am sitting with puffy eyes as I write this, feeling the weight of her diagnosis. Perhaps until today I haven't let myself consider the complications that arise from this illness because this is the first time since her initial diagnosis that I feel so sad.
The stories in those cancer pages were all about children who had standard risk pre B ALL - just like Kate. Interestingly I wasn't lifted up by the stories of those who had great outcomes but crushed by the bad outcomes of some of the children. Until today I haven't even let myself consider any other possibility than Kate getting better and growing up to be a healthy, beautiful girl. While reading the histories of those children it hit me like a ton of bricks that she could have some unexpected complication or relapse like they did. This was not helpful!!! Kate may sail through the treatments without a hitch or she may have complications and need hospitalizations. That is rational and logical thinking but in order to maintain my sanity I must believe that she will do well and that 27 months from now we will have made it through. Hopefully our family will be a little more loving, a little more kind and a little more grateful for the gift that we are in each others lives.